


The Advent Of Our King

by yeeyeeclub



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Advent, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Happy Ending, Langst, M/M, Religion, Roman Catholicism, Spiritual, idk how to tag, klance, spiritual journey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-06 01:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 5,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16822783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeeyeeclub/pseuds/yeeyeeclub
Summary: Lance didn’t feel lost. People who felt lost often found themselves in churches. Lance was content with everything in his life.So why was he seeking out a part of himself that he buried?Updates daily.





	1. First Sunday of Advent

First Sunday of Advent — 2 December, 2018  
Lance was feeling sentimental. Everyone got sentimental this time of year, he knew. But it was an unusually strong amount, so strong that when he couldn’t get back to sleep at six in the morning, he left a note for Keith and went out.  
Lane wandered into a Catholic church. He genuflected and took his place slouching in a pew, staring at the altar.  
He didn’t know why he was here. Maybe a part of him was wanting to remember what it was like. Maybe he felt guilty for not coming for so long.  
Mass started with “Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel,” which made sense, because the missal said today was the first Sunday in Advent. He’d always liked this hymn. Lance found he still knew what to say and when to stand. That’s what it meant to be raised Catholic for your whole childhood, he supposed. Eighteen years is hard to undo, even if you’re twenty-six now.  
The first reading came. God renews His promise to deliver His people.  
The Psalm came. A prayer, asking God to lead oneself to Him.  
The second reading came. A wish that God give the recipients loving and holy.  
The Gospel came. Jesus, warning that the end of time could be any time and that one must always be ready to face their Maker. Lance supposed this was true.  
He zoned out for the homily.  
He knew better than to receive Communion. He felt guilty for being at Mass, even in the building. He slipped out, into the back room. There was a table, with a sign above it.  
‘Please, take one!’ it said.  
Lance looked at the table. Booklets with reflections for Advent.  
He kept walking. He stopped.  
The guilt was eating him alive.  
He grabbed a booklet. 

Keith was making pancakes when Lance got back. He smiled and kissed Lance on the cheek. Lance wrapped his arms around him from behind, resting his chin on his fiancé’s shoulder.  
“How was Mass?” Keith asked softly.  
“I left early,” Lance mumbled.  
“You hungry? I made a lot. Lance, you have to let go of me so we can sit down.”  
“Then we shouldn’t sit down.”  
Keith laughed. “I like the way you think.”  
“That’s why you’re marrying me.”  
“Well, that and your devilish good looks.”  
Lance perked up considerably.  
Breakfast was a happy affair.

Lance couldn’t sleep that evening. Some part of him urged him on, and then he had the Advent booklet in his hands. He turned on his bedside lamp and thumbed through it. He sighed, and turned to Day One.  
The Gospel was there, he’d already heard that. The end of time, be vigilant, all that. The mediation on it wasn’t anything particularly striking.  
The short prayer after it made up for that. “Almighty Father, may You draw many lost souls back to Your light this Advent.”  
This prayer was written about people like him.  
This prayer angered him. How dare they say he was lost?  
This prayer frightened him. How dare they pray he’d go back?  
Lance pulled Keith closer and slept.


	2. First Monday of Advent

First Monday of Advent, 2018 — 3 Dec   
Lance woke up in a bitter mood. When he and Keith were getting ready for work, he snapped at his fiancé for taking too long in the shower. He immediately regretted it, but didn’t say anything. Keith found him sitting on their bed, staring at the ground.  
Lance didn’t look up.   
“Hey,” Keith said.  
“I’m sorry,” Lance said, meeting his eye.  
Keith sat next to him and held him close. “I forgive you.”  
“Thank you.”  
Lance blamed the booklet for his outburst. He ignored any other thought.  
It was the stupid booklet.  
He resented it.

When Lance got home, he tried to throw it out.   
Curiosity got the better of him.  
The gospel was the one still used in the modern Eucharistic Prayer. “Lord, I am not worthy that you should entered under my roof, but only say the word and my servant shall be healed.”   
The meditation was about needing to rely on God for all things.  
Lance despised that he couldn’t dispose of the booklet.

Keith asked if he wanted to talk.  
Lance just wanted distractions.  
They cooked dinner together, and Lance fell asleep almost on top of Keith while they were watching cheesy Christmas movies.   
When the movie ended, Keith nudged him awake.  
“You doing okay?” he asked.  
“Mmhm,” Lance mumbled.   
“Ready for bed?”  
“Yes.” Lance kissed him before he sleepily stood up and went to bed.


	3. First Tuesday of Advent

First Tuesday of Advent, 2018 — 4 Dec  
Lance had been wrong about the booklet. It had had nothing to do with his miserable mood yesterday, because now he was in a great mood. Joyous, even. Everything was going well today. At work, someone had brought donuts for everybody, and someone else had brought cake. He was in such a fantastic mood that when his least favorite coworker, Joseph, got frustrated with a glitch, Lance gently showed him how to fix it with a smile.   
He’d never been fond of Joseph, an older, more traditional man, but Lance found it in himself to even sit with the guy at lunch. To his surprise, Joseph talked his ear off, telling Lance humorous stories from his family. Lance could barely get a word in, but he didn’t mind. They parted ways after lunch. Lance was surprised to find he left the interaction with a smile.   
He felt good about being nice to Joseph, and listening to him. Lance got the inkling that Joseph was lonely, and that made their conversation incredibly meaningful to both of them.  
Lance came home from work with a skip in his step. Today was a good day.

Lance looked up from the stove at the sound of keys in the front door. Keith entered, set his bag down, and barely had time to gather his bearings before Lance was on him, pulling him close and kissing him.  
Lance was awestruck   
Keith had never been so beautiful.  
“I love you,” Lance blurted.  
Keith was a little taken aback, but he was grinning. “I… love you too?”  
“I’m so glad you’re in my life. I’m so glad I get to marry you. I love you.” Lance figured he was the luckiest man alive, and his face showed it.  
Keith laughed, happy but confused. “This isn’t one of those wacky movies where you go to an alternate timeline and see terrible things and come back suddenly changed is it?”  
Lance pretended to be offended. “Excuse you, I’m always this charming.”  
Keith broke from their embrace to go to the stove, laughing. “Yes, otherwise you would never have seduced me. What are you cooking?”  
“Chicken Alfredo and broccoli.”  
When they ate it, it was the best Lance had ever tasted. 

Lance was so close to forgetting the booklet, and once he remembered it, he tried to ignore it. But he figured he was so happy and in love that nothing could bring down his mood. He sighed happily and picked up the booklet anyway.  
Today’s gospel was about being childlike but knowing things the wise and learned could not understand.   
The reflection on the gospel was about having an open heart and being overflowing with joy, which was too similar to Lance’s day for comfort, but he shrugged it off with a smile. Today had been a good day, and it had nothing to do with the booklet. Lance knew that even if he woke up in a bad mood tomorrow, he would still have the memories of today and this happiness.


	4. First Wednesday of Advent

First Wednesday of Advent, 2018 — 5 Dec   
When Lance woke up, he decided to just get the booklet out of the way for the day.   
He read the gospel, about how Jesus was healing people and then fed five thousand with few fish and loaves of bread. Really, it just made him hungry.  
He read the reflection for the day, about how God gives spiritual and physical healing, and nothing is better than the bread that God gives us.   
And that was that.  
No weird moods.   
No guilt.


	5. First Thursday of Advent

First Thursday of Advent, 2018 — 6 Dec  
Lance did the booklet in the morning again.  
The gospel was about how a house (soul) needed a solid foundation (prayer) to withstand the storm (temptation).  
The reflection was overall uninteresting to him, about how everyone has the grace they need to make good choices already within them.  
Lance decided to stop doing the booklet.

He hit traffic on the way home, so he went home by a different way.   
The road he picked for a detour was closed for construction. That was just his luck.  
The second alternate route was open and clear.   
It also took him past the church where he had gone to mass on Sunday.  
Lance didn’t know why he did it, but there he was, standing in front of the Adoration Chapel. He took a deep breathe, and pushed the door open.   
There were perhaps a half dozen people kneeling already, praying the rosary out loud together.  
Lance grabbed a random booklet from the stacks of them at the back of the chapel (what was it with religion and booklets?) and sat down in a pew.   
He knelt on the kneeler and made the sign of the cross. It was for show. He wasn’t really praying, just asking himself why he was here and trying to look like he was praying so the people already here wouldn’t judge him. After what felt like an appropriate amount of time, he sat down and opened the booklet and tried to stop shaking.   
The booklet was about the Marian Apparition at Fatima. Lance only got about halfway through the short thing, but he got the message. The children at Fatima became holier when they saw Mary, and they were led to Jesus through her motherly love. Lance would have finished it, but he just couldn't focus on it. He tried, really hard, because not reading it meant confronting the elephant in the room.  
Lance looked up at the altar, and then away. He didn’t like looking at the Monstrance.   
It occurred to him that if God was real, Lance was right in front of him, being watched.   
Probably being glared at.   
Lance was uncomfortable. 

(The guilt was eating him alive.)

He didn’t like this.   
The people around him had finished their rosary, and more people had trickled in around them.  
Lance was ready to stand up and slip out quietly, but then there was a deacon there, approaching the altar.  
Everyone stood up.   
Benediction started with a hymn.  
‘Tantum ergo Sacramentum’ filled the small room.  
Lance still knew the words.  
He still knew the Divine Praises too.   
‘Holy God, We Praise Thy Name’ had been engraved in his mind.  
Lance hated being here. Benediction was a blessing, that he didn’t deserve, from a God in whom he didn’t believe.  
All of his instincts screamed to get out now, but he stayed put until after the prayer ended.

“Traffic was a nightmare, huh?” Keith said, that night, when Lance was late.  
Lance was distracted. “Yeah. Oh, and I stopped at the chapel for adoration.”  
Keith stilled. “Okay,” he said, then bit his lip. “Are you doing okay?”  
Lance laughed. “I know. I think I just needed to remember why I left, you know?”  
Keith gave him a gentle smile. “Yeah, I do know. If you need anything, you know you can talk to me.”  
Lance smiled back. “I definitely know that. Be kinda messed up if we were getting married and couldn’t talk to each other, huh?”  
“Yeah,” Keith laughed. “That would suck.”  
Lance was so deeply in love.


	6. First Friday of Advent

First Friday of Advent, 2018 — 7 Dec  
Lance did the booklet in the morning again. He’d forgotten his vow to never touch it again.  
The gospel was a story Lance recognized. Two blind beggars were on the side of the road, crying out for help. Jesus healed them, and told them to tell no one. Obviously, they told people or it wouldn’t have been written down like this. Lance took a moment to wonder how many people there were who did not talk about their encounter with Jesus, how many more miracles were left unrecognized in the Bible. Then he remembered, he didn’t care.  
Lance rushed through the reflection, but the prayer caught his attention.  
_Lord, may we never stop crying out for your help._  
Lance closed the book.  
He didn’t need help.

Traffic was even worse than it was last night.  
Lance made an impulsive decision.  
He sat in the church parking lot and sent a text to his fiancé.  
_“I’ll be late, I’m going to mass.”_  
He silenced his phone.  
He didn’t know why his heart was beating so fast.  
He took his place in a pew in the back. He knelt for a long time, because that’s what you do when you enter a church.  
As he sat back, someone sidled in next to him. He didn’t care for that at all. It made him feel trapped, but he slide over to give them room.  
Lance glanced up.  
He nearly had a heart attack.  
Keith smiled at him, kindly, squeezing his hand in silent greeting.  
Lance’s face said it all.  
_Why are you here?_  
Keith leaned into Lance’s ear. “I wanted you to remember you’re not alone,” he said in a low voice.  
A tear pushed its way out of Lance’s eye. He was eternally grateful he had someone as caring, a loving, as wonderful as Keith.  
Mass was longer than he’d expected. He hadn’t realized it was a Holy Day of Obligation. Tomorrow was the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, and this was the vigil mass.  
Lance also felt calmer than he’d expected (Keith) and less guilty (no explanation).  
The priest who gave the homily focused on one thing: Mary’s resounding _yes_ to the call of the Lord. Everyone, he said, is called to give that same _yes_ to God. 

Lance stayed until the end of mass, but he did not receive Holy Communion. He sat for a long moment in the pew, looking at the altar, before he and Keith left.  
Lance hugged Keith tightly the moment they were outside.  
“Thank you,” he said. “I didn’t know I needed you there until you were.”  
Keith held him tighter. “I love you. I think sometimes you forgot just how far I’ll go for you.”  
“I love you so much,” was all Lance could say.  
Keith smiled. “Do you want to grab dinner now?”  
“Yes please.”  
“Then you have to let go of me.”  
“Oh. Never mind then.”  
Laughter filled the air.


	7. First Saturday of Advent

First Saturday of Advent, 2018 — 8 Dec  
When Lance pulled out the booklet today, he took it to Keith, who was standing against the counter, sipping coffee.  
“What’s that?” he asked.  
“Daily meditations on the gospel for Advent. They’re not long. I’ve been going through it by myself since Sunday, but I was wondering if you wanted to do it with me today… I mean you don’t have to, I know you’ve never been religious…”  
“I’d love to do it with you,” Keith said.  
Together, they read the gospel, the same one they’d heard at mass last night, about the angel coming to Mary and asking her permission to be the Mother of God.  
Together, they read the reflection, about how Mary’s assumption into heaven shows the goodness that is to come.  
Keith sat back. “This is going to be a dumb question,” he said.  
“Okay.”  
“Shouldn’t the Immaculate Conception be nine months before Christmas?”  
Lance blinked. “Oh, no, the Immaculate Conception isn’t when Mary conceived Jesus, it’s when Mary’s mother conceived her.”  
“But the gospel-“  
“The Bible doesn’t talk much about Mary, most of the teaching on her comes from Sacred Tradition and Divine Revelation, not Scripture, so there’s not a bible verse about the Immaculate Conception, really.”  
“So why that one in particular? Just because it’s about Mary?”  
“I think it’s because it’s very demonstrative of the Immaculate Conception. I mean, I think it would be really hard for someone born with original sin to be that willing and open to God’s call.”  
Keith nodded. “Really hard, but do you think it’d be impossible?”  
Lance considered it. “No, I don’t think so.”  
If the rest of their Saturday could be described in one word, it would be domestic. After doing the booklet, Lance and Keith cleaned the apartment, did a jigsaw puzzle, and baked brownies for the next day, when they’d be visiting Lance’s family. They went to bed early that night, wanting a good night’s rest before a planned day of Christmas shopping and dinner at the McClains.


	8. Second Sunday of Advent

Second Sunday of Advent, 2018 — 9 Dec  
Lance rolled over and opened his eyes. Keith was looking back at him.  
“Good morning,” his fiancé whispered.  
“What time is it?” Lance whispered back.  
“Not even seven.”  
“Why are we awake?”  
“I don’t know.” They hadn’t stopped whispering.  
Lance groaned as he sat up.  
Keith pushed himself to his elbows and bit his lip. “I don’t want to push you, but… I was wondering if you wanted to go to mass this morning?”  
Lance looked away. “I don’t know.”  
“Okay. Just… just let me know.” Keith laid back down.  
“I think I do want to go to mass.”

They sat in the back again. They sang the hymns, prayed the prayers, and listened to the readings.  
Lance liked having Keith there with him.  
Afterwards, they got bagels at a bakery, which were delicious and peaceful, a nice start to their frantic day of running all over creation to get as much shopping done as they could before that evening.

That evening came way too fast. They barely had an hour at home before they had to leave for Lance’s family’s house.  
Dinner was a pleasant affair. In attendance, aside from Lance and Keith, were Lance’s parents, Lance’s older sister, her husband, their two kids, and Lance’s younger brother. The conservation was casual, but interesting.  
Lance helped his mother with the dishes while Keith played with Lance’s niece and nephew in the other room.  
“I’ve been praying for you, you know,” his mother said softly. “You and Keith.”  
Lance knew that meant a lot, coming from her. “Thank you.”  
“I wish you’d come back to the church,” she sighed.  
“Mama, I’m sorry but I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”  
“But I do hope, Lance. I hope and I trust and I pray, and it’s all I can do. Believe me, I want nothing more than for all my children to united to Christ.”  
Lance didn’t say anything. His mother was walking a dangerous line.  
“I just think you should start going to mass again. Is that too much to ask? Just come to mass with us. Or pray come over and we’ll pray the rosary together…”  
“Mama, I make my own choices now. I’m grown up, remember?”  
“I know, honey, I know. But I think-”  
“Mama, I choose what I should and shouldn’t do with my time anymore, okay?”  
“Lance-”  
“I don’t want to hear about how I’m a bad son because I don’t believe in God.”  
His mother looked very sad.  
Lance hardened his heart.

He did not read the booklet that night. Keith didn’t ask.


	9. Second Monday of Advent

Second Monday of Advent, 2018 — 10 Dec  
During breakfast, Keith was being too quiet. He picked at his fingernails, he chewed on his lip, his eyes couldn’t find one thing on which to focus.  
Lance noticed.   
“You doing alright?” he asked.   
Keith shook his head, not looking up. “I heard you arguing with your mother last night.”  
“Oh.” Lance didn’t know what to say next, so he put in his hand on top of Keith’s.  
“I know you love your family,” Keith said. He looked sad.   
Lance felt sad.   
“And… I don’t know. I guess I feel guilty because I was never religious. I’m sure in your mother’s ideal world, you would have found a good Christian person to marry who would restore your faith. I feel like I’ve stolen something from her because I’m not.”  
Lance squeezed Keith’s hand. “I love you, so much,” Lance said. “My mother loves you too, religious or not. Maybe that’s her ideal world, but Keith, you’re my ideal world. Sometimes I think, wow, I really get to marry you, can the world be any better than this? And I realize no, this is the best timeline that exists. The only thing you’ve stolen-” Lance pulled Keith’s hand up to his lips and kissed it “-is my heart.”  
There was a tear on either side of Keith’s face. “I love you,” he said.   
“Even when I’m sappy?”   
“Especially when you’re sappy.”  
Lance grinned. 

Keith looked just as worried over dinner as he had over breakfast.   
Lance didn’t even have to ask.  
“I think I’ve been selfish,” Keith said.   
“Is this about earlier?” Lance asked.  
“Yes. No. Not exactly? It was last Friday. When I came to mass with you. I mean, I went there because I didn’t want you to be alone. But also, um…”  
“Yeah?”  
“I wanted to go to mass. I’ve been… looking into religion lately.”  
Lance blinked, his brain trying to process that. “Okay. That doesn’t make you selfish.”  
“What if I was using being with you as an excuse to see what mass was like?”  
Lance smiled kindly. “Keith, I’ve known you for a long time. Years and years. But never, once, ever, have you been selfish. You just don’t do stuff like that.”  
“But what if I did?”  
“Going to a religious service isn’t really selfish either, no matter what the reason.”  
Keith got quiet. “I don’t even know why I’m looking at religion. I don’t believe in a god.”  
“Me either. But I’m sure we’ll figure it out, okay? Together.”  
“Together,” Keith echoed.


	10. Second Tuesday of Advent

Second Tuesday of Advent, 2018 -- 12 Dec  
Lance was uninspired. He knew that that had been a touching, important moment with Keith last night. But it had also been emotional. A promise had been made.   
They’d figure it out together.  
Lance was keeping that promise. He and Keith read the gospel for the day, about a shepherd going after a single lost sheep instead of watching over the ninety-nine he had left. About how he rejoiced at the returning one.  
The reflection was unmemorable to Lance.   
Keith seemed to contemplate it for a long time.   
These were new ideas for him.  
Lance had heard all of these before, when he was a kid. Now, they were unimpressive to him.  
Lance wondered what it meant to Keith.  
He didn’t ask. He’d never admit it, but it was because he didn’t want to know. He loved Keith and all of his thoughts. But Keith was going through some spiritual journey. Lance wanted to be there for Keith in every way, but his heart was set against belief in a god.   
So he wondered, but he didn’t ask.  
Keith didn’t offer his thoughts, either.


	11. Second Wednesday of Advent

Second Wednesday of Advent, 2018 -- 12 Dec  
The next night, Lance and Keith were wrapping Christmas gifts that were to be shipped to people out of town. Or, rather, Keith was wrapping gifts and Lance was sitting next to him watching cheesy Hallmark movies and eating candy. Keith had a very particular system; his wrapping was also crisp and precise.   
“Hey, Lance, I need your finger,” Keith said, not looking up.  
Lance put his finger on the ribbon so Keith could finish tying it.   
“This movie is so bad,” Lance said through a mouthful of chocolate.  
“At what point do you think they stopped trying to be good?” Keith asked.   
“Bold of you to assume they ever did try to be good.”  
Keith set aside the last gift and draped himself against Lance. “Okay, I’m sleepy now.”  
Lanced leaned into him. It was a peaceful moment, the dull flicker of the television illuminating the pair.  
Lance remembered something. “Do you want to do the booklet tonight?” Lance asked.  
Keith exhaled. “Kind of yes.”  
“Okay,” Lance said, “Let’s go.”  
They read together. The gospel was about Mary saying yes to God. The reflection was about Our Lady of Guadalupe because that was the feast day today. It was about how Juan Diego’s faith caused a great wave of conversion across Mexico. The prayer asked for faith that strong.  
Lance wanted to ask if Keith actually prayed the prayer, or if he just read it like Lance did. He didn’t.  
Lance switched off the light and laid in the dark next to his fiance.  
He asked a question.  
“Do you want to go to mass in the morning?”  
“I think so,” Keith said.  
“Okay,” Lance said.


	12. Second Thursday of Advent

Second Thursday of Advent 2018 -- 13 Dec  
Mass was earlier than anyone would have liked. But driving to mass with a sleepy Keith, right there next to him, with some random indie playlist on the speakers? Maybe Lance had already found heaven and didn’t need to go to mass after all.  
Mass was good. Lance only really remembered the Gospel, about John the Baptist and how he was the greatest prophet, Jesus’ cousin, but anyone in heaven was greater than him. Really, humans can’t get on the same level, the same unity with God, when they’re on Earth.   
Keith and Lance went their separate ways to work after. 

Over dinner, a question came out of nowhere.  
“Do you want to go to adoration tonight?”

Adoration was quiet. Lance and Keith each took different booklets.   
Lance couldn’t focus. His booklet was poorly written and rather boring. He glanced at Keith, who was intently reading his booklet. Lance couldn’t read his expression.  
Instead, he sat with the booklet in front of him, not looking up, feeling guilty.   
Feeling unworthy.  
Lance suddenly despised this place.  
He wouldn’t look up at the monstrance and he didn’t know why, it was just a piece of bread. The booklet had been dumb. Coming had been a waste of time.  
Lance left quietly with Keith.  
Keith was contemplating his reading. Lance asked if it was good. Keith had said yes it was good, it had made him realize things he’d never thought of before.  
Keith was quite happy for the rest of the evening.   
Keith really was happy. There was this newfound inner joy in him the entire night. Keith seemed to be really, truly ‘getting’ religion.  
And Lance was more convinced than ever that it was fake. Otherwise, they’d both be in the same great mood. Keith was getting all these happy feelings because he was trying something new. It was the brain’s natural reaction. 

Lance would never admit he was jealous.


	13. Second Friday of Advent

Second Friday of Advent 2018 -- 14 Dec  
Lance and Keith read the booklet.   
Keith got something out of it.  
Lance didn’t.


	14. Second Saturday of Advent

Second Saturday of Advent 2018 -- 15 Dec  
The booklet had become meaningless to Lance. He skimmed it with Keith in the morning. Keith reflected on it. Lance didn’t bother.

They went to mass that night. Lance thought about what a waste of time it was as he got ready for it.  
Lance barely even processed the prayers, or the readings.  
The priest gave his homily.  
Lance sat up straight.  
The priest talked about confession, the sacrament. A return to God, a return to holiness. An openness about your own issues and an absolute forgiveness.  
Lance briefly imagined himself going to confession.  
He pictured himself kneeling in front of the screen, laying all of his sins out for the priest.  
How sometimes he got angry and rude and didn’t know how to fix it, how to be nice.  
How he’d gone away from the faith.  
How he feared he wouldn’t ever be a good husband.  
How guilty he felt.  
How he’d grown to resent even the idea of God.  
How he wished he could just accept it all and come back and be happy and be good and be holy and not just whatever the hell he had going on now.  
Lance wanted to cry.  
The priest continued on about the benefits of reconciliation, but through the rest of the homily, the rest of mass, Lance was a mess Every time he felt like he was moving passed this, it hit him again.  
Confession was terrifying, but Lance was overwhelmed with the urge to go, get up, find a priest, and let it all out.  
He didn’t. He just sat there, in the pew, next to Keith, going along with the motions, lost in his head until they left.  
Lance would never admit that he had felt called to confession.  
And he’d sooner die than admit he’d refused the call.


	15. Third Sunday of Advent

Third Sunday of Advent 2018 -- 16 Dec  
“Lance,” Keith said, “we don’t have to keep doing the booklet if you don’t want to.”  
“You want to, and that’s good enough for me.”  
“I don’t want to make you go back to something you hate.”  
Lance paused. “Is that what you think?”  
“Am I wrong?”  
Lance didn’t know.


	16. Third Monday of Advent

Third Monday of Advent 2018 -- 17 Dec  
Lance was too busy to do the booklet.  
Keith didn’t push it.


	17. Third Tuesday of Advent

Third Tuesday of Advent 2018 -- 18 Dec  
“No, if it’s important to you, I want to do it,” Lance said.  
“I’m not going to make you do something you hate, Lance,” Keith argued.  
“I don’t hate it.”  
“Are you sure? You never enjoy it.”  
Lance slumped. “I don’t hate it. And you’re not making me do anything. I want to.”  
“Please don’t do things that make you unhappy.”  
“Being with you and doing things you want to do makes me happy.”  
Keith did not concede. “It’s not just the booklet, Lance. I don’t want you to have to go through things pretending you care about religious and spiritual stuff.”  
“Since when do you care?” Lance despised the snap in his voice that put Keith on the defensive.  
“I don’t know, it just started making sense to me.”


	18. Third Wednesday of Advent

Third Wednesday of Advent, 2018 -- 19 Dec  
Lance only remembered the booklet when he saw Keith reading it.   
Keith read intently, closed the booklet, and smiled.  
Something nudged Lance over the edge.  
“I’m so jealous of you,” he said.  
“What?”   
“I’m jealous. You’re getting all this good out of the booklet, you’re learning things and growing. I don’t even read it, really.”  
Keith paused. “You want to be getting something out of it? That’s new.”  
“Yes.” Lance hung his head, though he did not know why.  
“Do you want to talk about the meditation for tomorrow in the morning? I don’t know, maybe a discussion about it will help us.”  
Lance thought about it, and agreed. He’d do it.


	19. Third Thursday of Advent

Third Thursday of Advent 2018 -- 20 Dec  
Lance was dreading it when Keith pulled out the booklet, because when they finished reading, Lance had nothing to say. Nothing about it had imprinted on him. He could barely remember it.   
“What did you think?” Keith asked.  
Lance blinked. “It was good, yeah,” he lied. Keith squinted at him. “What did you think?”  
“I like the discussion of Mary as a tree of life. I remember reading something in here about the Tree of Life in the book of Genesis, and I think it’s an interesting parallel, because before it was something so destructive, now it’s something that only leads to redemption.”  
Lance looked down and kept his mouth shut. Keith already understood so much about something Lance had been a part of for eighteen years.   
There was a feeling growing in his soul, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. “Yeah, that’s interesting, I think…”   
They sat in silence.   
“Sorry,” Lance said. “I really don’t have any thoughts about it.”  
Keith put his arm around his fiance. “Don’t feel bad. One mediation that doesn’t click with you isn’t the end of the world.”  
Lance was desperate to make him understand. “Keith, they never click! Nothing about religion has ever clicked for me.”  
“Never?”  
Lance side-eyed him. “Okay, not never, but really! Hardly ever.”  
“See, that’s something.” Keith was being so gentle about all of this, and Lance hit a realization.  
He resented Keith for this. For taking something Lance himself had left and making it his own, understanding it, becoming better for it. It made Lance feel like something was wrong with himself for not having the same experience.   
He told all of this to Keith, who hugged him in response.   
“Let’s stop for tonight,” he mumbled.


	20. Third Friday of Advent

Third Friday of Advent 2018 -- 21 Dec   
Lance and Keith didn’t discuss the meditation, but they read it together.   
It was about wanting God to be this huge, looming figure who can just fix all your problems, but still suffering and being angry because of it.  
Lance enjoyed it.


	21. Third Saturday of Advent

Third Saturday of Advent 2018 -- 22 Dec  
Lance and Keith did the booklet in the morning.  
The meditation was about confession. Lance toyed with the idea of going for five whole seconds before dismissing it.  
He was better than that.

“Do you want to go to mass this evening?” Keith asked.  
“Yes,” Lance said. 

Confession was being held in the confessional in the back. Lance sat with Keith and ignored it.  
Lance stared at the altar.  
The guilt was eating him alive.

Lance got up and got in line.  
He laid everything out before the priest. Before God. He could feel the tears on his cheeks.  
Lance received Holy Communion for the first time in years.

“I should have done that ages ago,” Lance said, as soon as they were outside of the church. He could not stop smiling.   
“Why didn’t you?” Keith asked.  
Lance thought about his answer. “Pride. I didn’t want to admit I was wrong to stop going, believing, caring. I didn’t want to have to say that to get back. But I’m here now.”  
“Was it worth it?”  
“Yes, a thousand times, yes.”  
“I never thought I’d say this, but I want to get baptized,” Keith said. “I want this, with you.”  
Lance hugged him.


	22. Fourth Sunday of Advent

Fourth Sunday of Advent, 2018 -- 23 Dec  
Lance had gone to bed the night before happy and hopeful, ready for life as someone returned to the church.  
He awoke grumpy. And then grumpy that he was grumpy. After all that, he was still subject to concupiscence just like everyone else. But he made an active effort to fight against it, be better, be nicer. The frustration of not retaining that bliss of the even weighed on him. Lance couldn’t begin to imagine why God wouldn’t just let him keep that, so that he could just be better.


	23. Fourth Monday of Advent

Fourth Monday of Advent, 2018 -- 24 Dec  
Lance called his mother. He asked what time they were going to mass for Christmas, and asked if Keith and himself could come too.  
His mother cried.

Midnight Mass was when Lance got it.  
Lance and Keith and Lance’s family all sat in the same pew that night, and sitting next to them, Lance realized that he wasn’t supposed to suddenly be a changed person.  
It was a journey, and it had been the whole time.


End file.
